💚 Sharing is Caring

So, my long distance relations with a boy started at the end of 8th grade when I was 13. I know, young right? Before he wanted to date me, we was always mutual friends that would see each other in the hallways and just be like ” hey whats up “. But lets back track, so he came to my school in the beginning of 8th grade and I would be lying if I said I never acknowledged him. It happened when we was eating lunch and everyone was sitting at my table, so I tell my bestfriend ” bro imma make him my boy-bestfriend “. Well, never happened because I was too afraid to approach him. So I never really thought about it, so several months past and I never thought in a million years of being in love with him. Me and my friends stayed after school to watch a basketball game, and all I hear is him say something and I said my responds, and he said ” rd remember you said that “. When I got home, he texted me on instagram ” remember what you said ” Me being a little slow, I said ” huh?, what i say? ” eventually, I remember and I was like ” oh yeahhhh “. ( its crazy how i remember these messages when it happened like almost a year ago in march ). So, we texting and one of my friends tell me, ( we going to call the boy lance ) ” lance is high ” so now im just like “god please tell this boy not high, because now i feel dumb” I asked him, ” lance you high ” he was like whattt? no why you say that ” then i told him and we continued to text.
The next day comes, and somehow everybody thinks we talk. So, im denying it because… he was my friend ex…… I know, ” how could you do that ” ” ew, dirty slut ” ” your a dirtball “. ect. Yeah, i got all the ignorant comments, but there was good ones too. Because, before speaking to him i had a previous relationship with a boy that put a love spell on me and talked to other females behind my back. Yes, it took me 4 months to get back out there. I never expected to fall in love with him because of how people treated me in the past. I never really had a boy to myself, they would always go back to ex’s. So you damn right i took this a sign from the universe and wanted to see if I was ready for this. Anyways, so people asking me ” you talk to lance? ” i keep denying it. At lunch my ex told the boy I talked to that I didn’t like him or whatever. So i spent the rest of my lunch period crying in the bathroom stall, because I knew I liked him… I just couldn’t face the hate and how people would look at me. I stay after school again and he pull me to the side and talks to me about it. After lunch he didn’t say nothing to me. He asked me was it true, and i think i lied and said no because i didn’t want him to go off of what i told other people, but how I REALLY felt. He walked me ALLLLLLLL the way home, and I just thought to myself ” damnn, is this foreal?” It felt like a fairytale. We walked home as choice, we could of caught the bus, lol. I remember this one time we found… well technically I FOUND a 20 dollar bill on the street and we went to the store, walked back so he could catch his bus and he gave me a good ass kiss. I kept trying to convince myself i didn’t want, but I wanted it because I was acting real mad if I didn’t get it.
Now, everyone knows we talk and a lot of people were thinking twice about it while others supported it. He hit me with the, ” so what are we ” now Im just like ” idk you tell me ” type time., because I never had started off as friends with someone and became their girlfriend. Then we started dating. Everything thing is now new to me, and I expect this person to do what the last one did. But then he told me, ” im not like the last people you talked to in the past, so if anything you can tell me everything ” at that moment i knew I loved him and I cried because im a big baby. We was on the phone one night, and i said ‘ rd im going to sleep good night ” he said ” rd goodnight I love you, and put yourself on mute ( i had a lot of background noises ). Now I didn’t want to go to sleep, but I was like ” I love you too ” and cried. Mind you, we thinking we were going to see each other in another 2 weeks because our school shut down because of the virus. 2 weeks passed, and we never went back to school. So now, its kinda like a “long distance relationship” but it really wasn’t because we were less than 5 minutes away from each other. But every time I ask to go outside, its always a ” no “. We never let that stop us from being together. However, it did cause a little tension. SImply because, we started to wonder if this was going to work, how is it going to work?, would it be a problem? Well, yeah it was a problem and i cried senseless every night about it. The only was I saw him was if I imagined it. Even imagining it, made me feel like this is my fault. Just knowing how strict my parents is, why would i even dare to be in a relationship ( a question i ask myself EVERYDAY ). But we saw we was greater than than and continued the relationship for 8 months on and off, breakups to makeups, EVERYTHING. Well at the end of those 8 months, in october i was in virtual school and my 1st 15 minute teacher calls my parents, they take my phone. My imbecilic self took too long to give the phone up and created suspicion. So now they want to check the phone and i said ” i forgot the password ” and now Im no longer able to have a phone until im 18. I know you wondering ” whats possibly in the phone that you don’t want them to see? ” its a LONGGG story. December approaches, and I get a email for yours truly ” lance “… So he tells me he misses me and asks to zoom. Now im hesitating to respond. 1 week pass, and i finally respond. It took me a week because, i know how much pain being in contact with him will cause me. I went to calling and texting him everyday to losing all contact with him. He asks me to zoom him.. it took me another 4 days to do it because, i wasn’t ready for all of the pain it will bring me to hear his voice one more time. Now, we on zoom and he tells me how i really did a number on him, and says this can workout. I asked him ” your willing to do zoom calls everyday until im 18?” he told me yes. And as much as it hurted me to say this, i told him ” you need to find you a girl that can do all things i cant ” He tells me ” no, i want you “. I said ” there is girls out there that can go to the park, or go outside to see you. Whats something I can give you that another can’t”. I knew saying that would help both of us get over one of another. However, it didn’t. In january i went to my best friend house because we haven’t seen each other since august. We go to a mall like place with me her and our other friend. Now “lance” knows im there and calls my friend and ask where we at so he could come see me. Child, my heart started bumping. I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM SINCE MARCH. So you damn right im excited, nervous, scared. It felt like those army youtube videos people do for their kids. Wants i saw him, he gave me a big, long hug. I wanted it to last FOREVER, but it didn’t. As we hugging, im telling him how much I miss him and every good thing that comes to mind. Then we get kicked out of the mall like place. That was the only place we could be at. Our time together lasted like 20 minutes but in reality it felt like 5. Mind you, my friend dad is parked outside waiting for us until we leave. SO if we get caught… its over. We hesitant about leaving, but we did anyway and went to this food place and im talking to him. He he says ” you know you fucked up my life ” i say ” yes ” then we get to hugging he tells me he loves me. It felt like the first time he said it, I started to tear up and It took me a second to say it back. Cause, i was in shock that he still loves me after everything that has happened. He asks me whats wrong because he knew it hurt me to know i can’t actually be with someone i truly love. Now we get back to the mall because I have to leave, im hugging him because i didn’t want to leave AT ALL. It was hard for me because, would I ever see him again? My phone was the only type of contact and communication i had with him. I go back to my friends house crying on the floor listening to ” good days by sza “. It was like my heart being ripped out my chest for the 3rd time. I didn’t even want to go home, I went in the basement with my best friend and we pause the movies we were watching to actually sit and have a conversation about parents and how unfair they are.
After leaving her house, I went back to my boring life and sat on the couch crying by myself with the lights off and when someone came downstairs I wiped the tears away and act like nothing was wrong and that I was okay. I didn’t even want to take my hoodie off because it was the only thing that he touched and i felt i had a part of him ( it may sound weird ). For that entire month i sat in my bed crying, not eating, just wanting to be dead. I attempted to do things out of the ordinary that i wouldn’t normally do when im sad. I started harming myself physically and mentally. I stayed up numerous nights questioning god, wondering why put through a situation like this. Then realized it wasn’t his fault, it was mine, all mine. So then i started having suicidal thoughts. Not because I cant have a boyfriend, but because my whole life felt stolen. That phone was my only way of talking to people, because i could never go nowhere. I felt alone, i couldn’t vent to nobody, so all of that emotion is building up into anger and grief. I started cutting my left wrist since thanksgiving in november. My parents didn’t notice it until february, and my aunt sat me at the kitchen table while everyone was upstair to talk about it. Then my uncle came in and ask what was going on and she told him, he was SO FUCKING RUDE. He said ” yeah, yall can deal with that im staying out of it “. How dare you say something like that, as a parent you suppose to involve yourself in it. It made me want to kill myself, cut myself, do anything just to hurt myself because it I blame myself for everything. Then he literally makes everything worse, he would come downstairs and and act as if i wasn’t there. I had to learn to deal with it. I promised my aunt i wouldn’t hurt myself ever again, but there is so much temptation. People convince me to get a therapist, but i refuse. I want to deal with it alone, nobody was there in the beginning so why do i need anybody now? Life would hit you with obstacles that you have to learn to face alone. I do have faith that me and him would one day be together, i fantasize about it everyday. Then apart of me wonders/knows he would stop loving me eventually. I always ask my best friend, “is it bad that i still love him” she tells me ” yes, yall broke up 5 months ago “. I feel like throughout the months of us being together, a apart of me thinks i took this whole relationship for granted. I seem to not be able to get that thought out of my mind. I wonder what i could’ve done better while we was together on facetime calls. I took the word ” i love you ” for granted and should’ve used it more often every time i talked to him. I regret giving a fuck about what other people thought. I should’ve said something when girls came at him. I regret taking those walks for granted. I should’ve appreciated every kiss, every hug, every laughter, every argument, everything ! I should’ve did more as a girlfriend, and now i can’t.